I’m about to embark on my journey when the babykins number 2 wakes from her slumbers. She needs her sleep. shes got us on a 430 am wake up routine which is really cramping my style.
So, something most people may not know about me is that I talk to myself. A lot. I’m pretty much a constant self-evaluation/self-therapist. I have conversations with myself, trying to enlighten myself upon my true feelings, or lack there of. Since I find it incredibly difficult to talk to others about issues I find to be serious or emotional I’ve come to rely on my self-conversations to maintain a part of sanity. I was doing the dishes earlier (exciting) and I was having another one of my self-talks, where I talk to a mythical 3rd party but only my side of the conversation heard. Well, I guess its more like I’m spilling my brain on an invisible person therefore I don’t need to do so to real people who will remember the craziness that lives inside. Back on track, I was talking to myself, and I came to the point that I always come to with myself, and that is my inability to stick to anything long term. I always start with a vengeance and I rarely end. If ever. I’ve never had any role models, I do have people that I have respected and admired but I’ve never strived to be like them. There are tons of people I meet or know that I think “Damn, I wish i could do this like them” but I never actually take any steps to doing so. And if I start something I have high hopes about and someone I know also starts it, instead of teaming up or learning from eachother I just push mine off to the side and enjoy the others instead. I’ve always sort of walked to the beat of my own drummer, I go off in different tunes at times but I always end right back to the same bang bang bang. That, I can honestly say, is the only thing I can rely on myself to stick to long term, ending up in the same place. It is relatively comforting I guess, to know you’ll never lose the main essence of yourself, but it gets in the way of self-betterment. I’ve tried baby stepping in to things, I’ve tried cannonballing but they always end the same. I dont know, maybe its just a sign that i’m the most stubborn person in the world, which really wouldn’t surprise me because one thing I’ve never lacked is knowing myself and my reactions to things. I go all in to things at the beginning like a flame hitting a pile of chinese firebombs but once they’re done exploding theres nothing left. No motivation, no bang. No noise at all really except that of talking to myself. I miss life, I feel like everything is just passing me by here. My friends who write of such wonderful things they’ve done, and such simple pleasures I just manage to enjoy because I’m stuck. I’ve stuck myself though, because really how hard would it be to dress up the baby and hit up the town, but I just can’t do it. A part of me rely’s on feeling trapped. A rely on feeling like I dislike certain people around me in order to keep myself feeling trapped to a point and uncontrolled. Maybe the idea of having uncontrollable parts of my life makes me feel strangely secure because I’m actually controlling the uncontrollable? Does that make any sense? probably not. Either way, I’m cooking french tonight a la Julia style.